Holding Nothing Back

God is the God of making crazy ideas a reality.

Lately, God has been molding me and shaping me in ways that I never knew before. He is putting new passions in me and He is directly showing me how he is guiding me. This summer God started just breaking my heart more and more for the oppressed and the fatherless, like it talks about in Isaiah 58. I had all this passion and I was like, "God, I wanna do more. What will you do with all this passion I have? God, take my heart and break it for what breaks yours. I don't want to live an ordinary life." I didn't know why I had so much passion for the poor and the oppressed. I felt like I needed to do something besides what I was already doing, something bigger, something that would stretch my faith entirely, something risky and adventurous.

Then God started moving that passion he had already instilled in me through different people He placed into my life. Consistently, I kept hearing story after story about missions. My cousin just got back from Zambia, my other cousin is doing her student teaching in India, my friend just got back from YWAM and now she's in India with an internship, another random person I met started talking to me about how he just got back from YWAM and the amazing things it did in his life.....literally the list is quite long of the people I encountered.

So, I started researching. I was like, "God, why are you putting all these people in my life right now? It's gotta be for a reason." Then God began showing me why. I have always wanted to do YWAM. I wanted to do it after I graduated high school, but that was not my timing. So, I started just glancing at the site every so often, more of just dreaming and wishing. One day I came across something that caught my eye. It was a school in Australia, and not only was it in Australia, it was a Sports DTS (Discipleship Training School). I was hooked. So I then I wanted to know more information and what was this all about? Then it said outreach: Africa. "Oh man, God what are you doing?" You know I love Africans and Africa and have always wanted to go there." I read more. "Hmm.. the dates are when?? February - July 2011? Okay cool God. How come this would fit perfectly with my schedule?" More research. A possibility that I could get credit for school through Independent Study while I was there? Not bad God. Okay, so obviously someone that I talk to, especially probably an advisor, has got to tell me this is not a good idea and that it's not practical. I was wrong again. Everyone that I talked to had outrageously good takes on it, even better than what I had for myself, "Amanda you have to do YWAM," "I can totally see you doing it," "So when are you going?", "Keep me updated and I can help you with whatever you need." Alright people, this is only a crazy idea remember!? Who said I'm actually going....

God keeps giving me little steps that I need to take. He has been only showing me 3ft in front of me. But He knows what he's doing. For sure it is a definite and exciting journey of trust. Today I just printed off my application to a base in Melbourne, Australia. Who knows what God is gonna do tomorrow? I only know what he's done today.

Every so often I have doubts about this journey, okay a lot actually. I think about what my parents are going to say when I tell them. I worry about how I am going to pay for it all. If it's the right thing to take of college. If it's the right timing. BUT those things hold me back. They chain me down to an ordinary life. That's who I was! But not who I am now. I am a crustacean shedding off it's shell. The old is gone, the new has come. I am renewed, changed, different from who I was. I don't want the things of this world anymore. I want to live with eternal perspective, "earthly things just fade and shatter." I want to start living a radical life!

Tonight I was at Crossroads worship night down at the Prayer House. While we were worshipping I really felt God telling me to stop holding back. I hold back so much from God. I don't give Him my all like I give to other things. I want to stop holding back. I want to dive head first off this cliff into the ocean. In order for God to work and do big things, I need to give Him my everything. All night I have been feeling this repeated theme of not holding back and giving it all to Jesus. So I come home and my friend Trudy had sent me an email with a link to a song attached. And when I did I was like, "God, wow, you are on the move! You are amazing. Of course you would have it be this." The link was a to a song by Jesus Culture/ Kim Walker. The name of the song was, "Holding Nothing Back." This was not an accident. God knew. God planned. God ordained. God is. God is present. God is active. Do not doubt the hand of this Almighty One.

Isaiah 30:21

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left you will

hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

God is that voice. He has a plan. I am excited to see where He takes me from here. I know I'm on the start of an amazing journey. I feel God keep pushing my heart towards YWAM and He keeps giving me steps to take so I'm gonna keep taking them, Holding Nothing Back.

A Furious Love

Furious Love

Wow, this movie is amazing and literally, life changing. This incredibly moving film demonstrates the real power of Christ's love and puts into action God's word, "love conquers all evil." Tears streamed down my face as I watched the love of God fall on the darkest and most evil people. I watched God pour out His love onto prostitutes, witch doctors, sorcerers, addicts...etc. Our God is a God of LOVE! And that is something He cannot possibly stop Himself from doing.

Wanting to be moved? Watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyfH3T8HXZg

"You won't relent until you have it all....

.....I'm Yours."

-You Won't Relent by Misty Edwards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3spvQYlB-I

Passion

I have a lot of passion for issues, but don't always know why I have those passions or know exactly know how to put them to use. One of my best friends and a cousin just got back from Africa on mission trips. Every time I hear a story about missions, wyam, foreign countries, adoption, aids/hiv, poverty..etc. my heart breaks. I want to go so badly. I keep asking God when He will send me?? I know I can't rush anything. I learned that with Mexico when I tried to force what God did not have in store for me. Why do I have so much passion for diversity, cultures, foreign languages?? Why do I love children so much?? Why do I hate how materialistic America is? It's hard having so much passion, but not knowing where God will lead with it. I know that someday I will probably live in a foreign country as a teacher. I know that someday my family will be culturally mixed and that it will be big and welcoming.

I've been on 3 mission trips, but the one in Mexico I left my heart there. I love those people so much. How do I have so much love for them when I only knew them for about a week?

Why does my heart light up every time I see Tem and Tessa? Why do I love hearing stories about Africa from my cousins who have been there countless times (and yes i am jealous)? Why does the documentary film i watched in my HS art class about the woman who helped impoverished children gain success through photography stick in my mind? Why did I ball my eyes out throughout Blood Diamond and Slumdog Millionaire? God is breaking my heart for what breaks His. Now God what will I do with this broken heart??Give me guidance, strength, and wisdom.

I will continue praying. I will continue praying for the brokeness.

Camp

Yesterday I drove back from Upper Peninsula Bible Camp and today I drove home from Camp Higher Ground. I adore camp, but mainly just those two. Camp is a place where the heart thrives and the soul flourishes. You learn so much about how to interact with all different kinds of people and the things God sets on your heart to learn.

I feel camp is a place where everyone can feel loved and included. Where all different types of people can be friends; the most good looking jock can be friends with the complete nerd. I love it because i feel like it is a reflection of what heaven will be like. It's a place where someone can be exactly who they were made to be and be loved unconditionally; a place of no judgments, only love.

But why is it that so often camp stays at camp? Let's make camp the reality. It takes people willing to deny themselves and take up their cross daily. I feel like this is to be my challenge: to create harmony wherever i go and to encourage one another to be the best that they can be by loving unconditionally. I want to be different from this world.

As I go back to Calvin, I know what I will be facing, I want to be a light in the darkness there. I know I need to be stronger than ever, stronger than even before. I want people to feel loved and valued wherever I go. There are some things I need to change and work through since last year and I can only do this through Agape love of Christ. Lord, pour out your love so that i may pour out into the lives of others. Amen

You Lead I Follow.

My Dreams. My Passions. My High Hopes.

A Time to Withdraw.

A Time to LIVE in Every Moment of Every Day.

I just want to help the needy and oppressed. My heart is heavy for those hurting and suffering. My heart hurts when I know that there are thousands of children dying daily. Because of poverty and disease, but also because we are killing them!! Babies get aborted on a regular basis, a life is taken without even a tear shed. The poor souls don't even get proper burials. Right now, my heart yearns, as well as many others, to help end abortion and to save the orphans/fatherless around the world.

I want to figure out where I am supposed to be serving God and figure out what is my "true calling" or whatever, but I think I just need to be still. I know without a doubt in my mind that God has some awesome plans for my future, but in this season of my life I think I need to concentrate on trusting and being patient. I think this is a time for me to meditate on His will, listen to His voice, and feel more of what is on His heart. This time in my life is like my "I" time, my time to withdraw, a time for silence, a time for wisdom-seeking and soul-searching, a time to really learn what it means to follow after God. It's like my mountain top experience. Moses had to go up on Mt. Sinai to experience God before he could go down and lead the people, he had to get the wisdom before he could go give the wisdom. Maybe this is why I wasn't supposed to go to Mexico. I wasn't ready. God is preparing me in little ways here in Grand Rapids before he is going to use me in other ways. He's teaching me about how every place can be a "mission field." He's showing me how if we give him just a little bit of faith, he can do huge things with it. Already he has put together a Life Retreat at the Omega House and ignited many hearts for Him, especially it seems more recently in GR.

So in this next season of life I feel I am entering, I just want every day to be an adventure, where God reveals something new. I just want to follow after the heart of God. I just want to be listening for every good and wonderful thing that God has to say. I don't want to miss out. And if God tells me to do something insane, I have to do it, trusting and obeying. I just want to be so full of His love that it overflows to everyone around me. I just want to live life fully and abundantly. And I know if I am daily seeking after the heart of God, this will happen.

I do not know what will happen from this season of life to the next, but I do know that I will be trusting. Trusting and believing that He is in control of my life and that what He is doing is best. Where I am is where I am supposed to be. This puts my restless heart at peace. God, you lead and I will follow.

Fill us up Lord and send us out

Fill us up and send us out

Fill us up and send us out Lord.

A New Season

All of my life 

in every season

you are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship 

I will bring praise I will bring praise 

no weapon formed against me shall remain 

i will rejoice i will declare

God is my victory and He is HERE. 

-desert song by Hillsong

I LOVe this song. I love the message. It's basically saying that in every season of life God is still gonna be there. Even if the whole world falls apart still God will remain the same. He is still gonna be there to fight for you even when you feel like everything around you is crashing down. He is the source of our joy. We shall declare praise to Him. 

Recently, I have gone through a lot of changes. First, going through all the first adjustments of college. College is just starting to sink in as reality. Second, many changes in friends. Friends change and they don't always stay the same. It's hard to see good friends fall away from their faith and have others walk away from you. Personally, I just want the best for my friends. I love them and I'm not gonna judge them. I might disagree with them, but that doesn't mean I will value them any less as a person. Thirdly, discovering myself and my relationship with God has been somewhat challenging. I'm finally at that point in my life where I don't have Christianity all around me telling me exactly what to do. Now I have to be discerning. I have to search for God. I have to work for my faith. 

These are the things that I have been learning. 

Anger

It is so bitter. It bites as it goes down. It stings, slices, and cuts. I am angry. Why am I angry? My family. I don't get along with them. It hurts cause I long to be close to them, but there comes a point where I know I can't get any closer to them. We are just too different. I try to respect and honor my parents, but sometimes I feel so oppressed that I am screaming rebellion from the inside out. I want to be close to my older brother, but I don't feel loved by him. He doesn't give me what I need to feel loved: affirmation and gifts. I just want to feel wanted. UGh some people just know exactly what to say to tick me off. I am trying to develop my self-control and be more mature in certain situations, but sometimes it is extremely hard. 

When my relationships aren't right in my life, my life starts to suck. And the first relationship is God. I come to realize again and again that my life sucks without God, but yet I can't seem to surrender to him. I want to be in control. I think I don't need God. Sometimes I like making myself miserable. I like pain and agony. I don't know why. Maybe cause the devil is telling me that I am getting what I am deserving. 

Lately, I have been so confused. I hear what my parents taught me what I have always thought to be true. I know what I have learned at my Christian highschool and I have been learning more at Calvin, but there are some things that just don't match up. I am confused because there are Christian people that I respect that have completely opposite views. I am starting to realize that I am no longer agreeing everything my parents have taught me, but I am not abandoning those ideas. I am trying to establish my own beliefs instead of just believing everything that my parents have believed. 

I think this confusion causes conflict which leads to anger. This is what I am going through. These are the emotions that I am feeling. This is the life I am living. I am writing because it helps me figure things out when I write. When I write I usually start out confused and questioning and end up with a conclusion to all my thoughts, even though the conclusion may not be full of answers. 

I conclude that I angry, but I need to seek God's guidance. By myself, I am the most miserable person, but I don't have to be. I can be something greater. I have potential. It is not worth wallowing in my dirt. It's time that I get up on my feet and try to change. Stop being ignorant and hard-headed stubborn. I need the peace of God. I conclude, that I can't control my life even though I want to, but I have to trust God and give EVERYTHING. Also, the devil cannot have me. I am the Lord's. I need to stop turning from God and start running towards him. 

I conclude there are huger things in the world that I could be sulking over instead of myself. What the heck? Why am I getting so angry? I am blessed. I am being selfish. I am being a bad friend by thinking about myself more than my friends, especially those friends that are hurting and dealing with crap. One of my friends mom's just got diagnosed with brain cancer. Why am I so frickin selfish!?! 

Maybe the person that is being most annoying is myself. 

Godthankyouforyourgracethatisneweverymorning.

Eyebrows

Eyebrows. Who writes blogs on eyebrows?  I don't know, but tonight I will. Eyebrows. What if we didn't have eyebrows? People would look weird without them. Eyebrows. What are they? and Why do we have them? Basically, it's hair growing out of our foreheads. Isn't it weird to think that God put so much thought into us that he even thought of little details like eyebrows!? Ever really looked at eyebrows? Sometimes they are dark and bushy and sometimes light and thin. Women tend to shape their eyebrows while men tend to keep their natural shape. The other day I got my eyebrows waxed. It came in my haircut package otherwise usually I would pluck them. This may be a bad connection so help me I am sorry, but I'm gonna try. 

Our lives are like eyebrows. Each so different, coming from unique roots. In our lives we are each shaped a different way, none shaped the exact same. A thin shaped eyebrow usually shaped differently than a bushy one. It doesn't know what it's like to get waxed. It hurts sometimes, but you know it's for the best. No eyebrow knows what it's like to be another. So one eyebrow should not be frustrated when another eyebrow doesn't understand how it feels on top of another person's forehead. We are all different, all shaped in different ways. Sometimes we get plucked, waxed, filled in, moisturized.. etc. Whatever. Anyways, what I am trying to say is that we are all coming from different backgrounds. We all look in the mirror and see something different above our eyes. Those would be eyebrows (if you didn't know already). Enjoy your eyebrows and don't let anyone look down on you because of your eyebrows. Your eyebrows are awesome. 

Embrace your eyebrows. Live your life with your own eyebrows and not anyone elses. Cherish who you are in your own eyebrows. 

Eyebrows. 

Life.

Embrace it. 

Diapers

Today at Calvin I saw a little baby in the arms of her daddy. So cute. I realized I never really see very many little kids anymore. In High School I taught Sunday School at my church and would see my kids each week,  I would see little kids getting on the bus each day at school, and mommys walking their babies in strollers through our neighborhood. I miss that. I miss the loving, innocent interaction with little kids. They are so precious and you can learn so much from them. What a gift to see the world through the eyes of a child. I am excited to someday be a mommy and see how my kids react to new things. There is something about seeing kid's reaction to something they have never discovered before. Little reactions, from bellybuttons to airplanes. They see the world how it is they live no lies. They don't put up facades. They just wanna play and learn and discover. The experience the world with eyes full of wonder. They enjoy the splendor of God's creation with big imaginations. I need to be more like that.