I love life. 

Battling myself

It's true. Yourself is your worst enemy. 

Lately, I have been struggling with just being myself. Maybe part of that struggling is a result of the changes that have taken place in the last couple of months. I've developed a new home and a new circle of friends. I haven't left my old friends it just that we are all at different places on the map of life. I have been struggling lately with just being who I am and being vulnerable. That is one of the hardest things for me and I don't know exactly why.

 It should be easy just to be yourself right? cause you are the one who knows yourself best, but lately I have not wanted the world to see who I really am so I put up a front. I put up walls and I don't let them down, not for anyone. But it's stupid of me because these walls portray a type of person that is way less cooler than who I really am. When I am in this closure I am more uptight and to myself. 

Maybe I am struggling to be myself because I don't really know who I am yet. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly who I am and others I question myself, "Who are you?" and "What are you doing with your life?"

Life is a gift. A gift to cherish and a gift to develop. Along with the gift of life we are given personal gifts, each different. They are each different so that we learn to appreciate them. If we were all given the same gift, the gifts would not hold the same importance. No, we are given different gifts so that we develop a sense of community; dependence on one another. God desires us to spur each other on and we can do this by sharing are personal gifts with one another. I think I just have to learn to use mine and to cherish and uphold them. After all they are gifts FROM GOD!!! There are no other gifts with such importance.

I know my identity lies in God, but sometimes I forget. I think maybe I forget that when I don't spend time with God. Spending time with God is so important. It tells you things about yourself. It tells you the truth. 

I am praying to God for new eyes in which to see myself and the world around me. I have to be content with being myself. Also, content with depending on people. I think sometimes I just want to be so independent that I don't allow others to help me and in effect I am actually harming myself. It's not healthy to live in a box. It's not healthy to put up a phasod because what's under it is much more beautiful even though you might not think so. 

Bits and pieces. These are just bits and pieces of my mind and what I am going through. To God be the glory.  

Hungry

Lately, I have been experiencing this hunger for God like I've never had before. It's like I have this empty spot in my heart that only God can fill. It's like I can't get enough of him. I just want to be with Him all the time. I get restless when I don't have my time to be alone and talk with Him. I have found how desperately I need him. Being on my own has definitely triggered that desperation. I just have this spot in my heart where I have this desire just to drop out of school and leave my life here and go to third world countries, like Mexico and Africa and show them the love of Jesus. Then I remember that God has led me here to Calvin in Grand Rapids this year and I need to live up to my potential here before I go somewhere else in the world. I can feel in my heart that God is definitely tugging on my heart. He wants something out of me. I just haven't figured that out yet. 

Sometimes I get angry with God. The other day I went to this aids exhibit at fair haven ministries and listened to the story of a kid named Zombo. It was heart breaking to hear what he had to go through. Losing his mom, not even knowing his father, being ostracized by his friends, and then finding out that he too has aids. It hurts me to see them hurt so much. I just want to help them somehow, but I feel helpless. I don't know how I can help them when they are thousands of miles away. I just want to show them love. Why God? Why does this happen to innocent children? Why can't I just be there with them right now? Why can't I go back to Mexico on the Sunshine team this upcoming year? Then I remember.. God has a specific timing planned out for me because he knows what is best for me. Having patience, knowing that I can't be in control, scares the crap out of me, but trusting and depending on God is what is necessary for me to have peace in life. 

..............Thank God for His abundant love and grace.............

God is good. 

God is so so good to me. He gives me such an adrenaline rush. He makes me feel like I am a whole person. Do you know that feeling you get when you are in a boat and you are going really fast and your hair is blowing and the sun's rays are radiating on your skin? That's what God feels like. When I am with him I can show my true colors and be vulnerable. He does not judge me and he does not condemn me. He's not happy when I mess up, but he gives me a chance to start over again. He simply loves me. Over and over and over again. 

It's so easy to get sucked away. Down deep into a black hole. To start believing lies and become agitated. It starts when you don't have your Jesus time. Your time with him. That time where He reveals truth to you.  It starts when you don't except the grace that he gives you every morning. We are not worthy of His grace, but through Jesus' blood we can accept the grace. If we don't we are believing lies that we are not good enough. Through Jesus we can receive grace. 

God is so good. He soothes and comforts. He offers peace and he gives life. He is full of abundant love and embraces us in a caressing matter. He wants to be close to us. He adores us. We are His beings, His children.  I love knowing that He is watching out for me. That He is thinking about me. 

He is so powerful and so mighty. He could wipe us off the earth at any time, but he doesn't. There's beauty in knowing that He wants us to learn and to capture Him. He wants us to pursue after Him like he pursues after us. He offers wisdom we just have to choose to accept it. Often my stubbornness gets in the way of accepting God's grace. I think that I can do life on my own and that I "have it all under control." But ha! I don't. Far far from it. Sometimes its hard for me to let my walls down and be helped. I want to help myself, but in reality I cannot do it on my own. I need Jesus and I need those around me. 

God is teaching me so much. I want to keep learning more. To stop my selfish desires and stubbornness and expect extraordinary things. To roll with the punches and take one day at a time because "each day has enough trouble of its own." Each day I have to ask God, "Okay, what's it gonna be today?" I can't plan my own future, then I just get disappointed. But I have to depend and rely on the future God has planned for me. 

Grace New Every Morning

Today is August 27th 2009. Have you ever wondered why you were placed in this exact time period? I was placed on this earth in this capsule of time for a reason, but sometimes I still question my existence. God has a plan. Much bigger than I have for myself. It captivates me to know that God knows everything about every human being that he has ever created. That fascinates me. 

Today I start my new blog, "Grace New Every Morning," because it's a true testimony of my life. Each day when I wake up in the morning, I know that God has given me His grace to live yet another day because each day is truly a gift. God has a plan for us every day of our lives it's just our choice whether we want to be a part of that plan or not. Do we choose to accept His calling and listen to His spirit or do we choose to close off and decide to listen to the lies of the world? I have fallen into those lies many many times. It's been such a struggle for me, but thankfully God still accepts me as His child because of his infinite love and because of His GRACE. 

I start at Calvin in less than a week. I am so excited to see how God is going to use me. At the beginning of this year I had no idea where I was going to go. I had at least 10 options and none of them seemed possible. I didn't know where the money was going to come from, but I just had to trust in God to provide. Now I look back and wonder why did I stress out so much? Why did I pick countless fights with my parents about college and money? I am a fool to not trust that the God of the entire universe is going to take care of lowly me and where I am going to college. I am ashamed of that. God has a way of humoring us. Two weeks before I graduated (ha!) He granted me with a $23,500 dollar scholarship to Calvin College. I was like "Okay God, that seems pretty clear." Then this past month I was worrying because my parents income has dropped significantly and they said they wouldn't co-sign a loan and I couldn't get a loan cause I am still 17 (I believe that's how that works). I needed the money because I wanted to live in the dorms at Calvin at that's an extra $8,000. I just knew somewhere in my heart that's where I had to be. I am a dummy to worry so much. Thanks to God again, he gave me a way to get a loan from my grandparents.

 These are the moments that we are like Yay GOD! Why can't we be like that all the time? I wish even in those moments of darkness I could be more like "Yay GOD! I know your gonna take care of me and do something great!"Doesn't it seem right that we expect great things from God, things we can't control, instead of playing it safe? Sometimes we have to take leaps of faith and jump off cliffs instead of trying to make the climb down safely with a harness and ropes. Okay, so i like analogies. Anyways, I know without a doubt God is working in my life and I know he is paving the way of my life. "There's a light at the end of this tunnel.."