I love life. 

Battling myself

It's true. Yourself is your worst enemy. 

Lately, I have been struggling with just being myself. Maybe part of that struggling is a result of the changes that have taken place in the last couple of months. I've developed a new home and a new circle of friends. I haven't left my old friends it just that we are all at different places on the map of life. I have been struggling lately with just being who I am and being vulnerable. That is one of the hardest things for me and I don't know exactly why.

 It should be easy just to be yourself right? cause you are the one who knows yourself best, but lately I have not wanted the world to see who I really am so I put up a front. I put up walls and I don't let them down, not for anyone. But it's stupid of me because these walls portray a type of person that is way less cooler than who I really am. When I am in this closure I am more uptight and to myself. 

Maybe I am struggling to be myself because I don't really know who I am yet. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly who I am and others I question myself, "Who are you?" and "What are you doing with your life?"

Life is a gift. A gift to cherish and a gift to develop. Along with the gift of life we are given personal gifts, each different. They are each different so that we learn to appreciate them. If we were all given the same gift, the gifts would not hold the same importance. No, we are given different gifts so that we develop a sense of community; dependence on one another. God desires us to spur each other on and we can do this by sharing are personal gifts with one another. I think I just have to learn to use mine and to cherish and uphold them. After all they are gifts FROM GOD!!! There are no other gifts with such importance.

I know my identity lies in God, but sometimes I forget. I think maybe I forget that when I don't spend time with God. Spending time with God is so important. It tells you things about yourself. It tells you the truth. 

I am praying to God for new eyes in which to see myself and the world around me. I have to be content with being myself. Also, content with depending on people. I think sometimes I just want to be so independent that I don't allow others to help me and in effect I am actually harming myself. It's not healthy to live in a box. It's not healthy to put up a phasod because what's under it is much more beautiful even though you might not think so. 

Bits and pieces. These are just bits and pieces of my mind and what I am going through. To God be the glory.  

Hungry

Lately, I have been experiencing this hunger for God like I've never had before. It's like I have this empty spot in my heart that only God can fill. It's like I can't get enough of him. I just want to be with Him all the time. I get restless when I don't have my time to be alone and talk with Him. I have found how desperately I need him. Being on my own has definitely triggered that desperation. I just have this spot in my heart where I have this desire just to drop out of school and leave my life here and go to third world countries, like Mexico and Africa and show them the love of Jesus. Then I remember that God has led me here to Calvin in Grand Rapids this year and I need to live up to my potential here before I go somewhere else in the world. I can feel in my heart that God is definitely tugging on my heart. He wants something out of me. I just haven't figured that out yet. 

Sometimes I get angry with God. The other day I went to this aids exhibit at fair haven ministries and listened to the story of a kid named Zombo. It was heart breaking to hear what he had to go through. Losing his mom, not even knowing his father, being ostracized by his friends, and then finding out that he too has aids. It hurts me to see them hurt so much. I just want to help them somehow, but I feel helpless. I don't know how I can help them when they are thousands of miles away. I just want to show them love. Why God? Why does this happen to innocent children? Why can't I just be there with them right now? Why can't I go back to Mexico on the Sunshine team this upcoming year? Then I remember.. God has a specific timing planned out for me because he knows what is best for me. Having patience, knowing that I can't be in control, scares the crap out of me, but trusting and depending on God is what is necessary for me to have peace in life. 

..............Thank God for His abundant love and grace.............