Anger

It is so bitter. It bites as it goes down. It stings, slices, and cuts. I am angry. Why am I angry? My family. I don't get along with them. It hurts cause I long to be close to them, but there comes a point where I know I can't get any closer to them. We are just too different. I try to respect and honor my parents, but sometimes I feel so oppressed that I am screaming rebellion from the inside out. I want to be close to my older brother, but I don't feel loved by him. He doesn't give me what I need to feel loved: affirmation and gifts. I just want to feel wanted. UGh some people just know exactly what to say to tick me off. I am trying to develop my self-control and be more mature in certain situations, but sometimes it is extremely hard. 

When my relationships aren't right in my life, my life starts to suck. And the first relationship is God. I come to realize again and again that my life sucks without God, but yet I can't seem to surrender to him. I want to be in control. I think I don't need God. Sometimes I like making myself miserable. I like pain and agony. I don't know why. Maybe cause the devil is telling me that I am getting what I am deserving. 

Lately, I have been so confused. I hear what my parents taught me what I have always thought to be true. I know what I have learned at my Christian highschool and I have been learning more at Calvin, but there are some things that just don't match up. I am confused because there are Christian people that I respect that have completely opposite views. I am starting to realize that I am no longer agreeing everything my parents have taught me, but I am not abandoning those ideas. I am trying to establish my own beliefs instead of just believing everything that my parents have believed. 

I think this confusion causes conflict which leads to anger. This is what I am going through. These are the emotions that I am feeling. This is the life I am living. I am writing because it helps me figure things out when I write. When I write I usually start out confused and questioning and end up with a conclusion to all my thoughts, even though the conclusion may not be full of answers. 

I conclude that I angry, but I need to seek God's guidance. By myself, I am the most miserable person, but I don't have to be. I can be something greater. I have potential. It is not worth wallowing in my dirt. It's time that I get up on my feet and try to change. Stop being ignorant and hard-headed stubborn. I need the peace of God. I conclude, that I can't control my life even though I want to, but I have to trust God and give EVERYTHING. Also, the devil cannot have me. I am the Lord's. I need to stop turning from God and start running towards him. 

I conclude there are huger things in the world that I could be sulking over instead of myself. What the heck? Why am I getting so angry? I am blessed. I am being selfish. I am being a bad friend by thinking about myself more than my friends, especially those friends that are hurting and dealing with crap. One of my friends mom's just got diagnosed with brain cancer. Why am I so frickin selfish!?! 

Maybe the person that is being most annoying is myself. 

Godthankyouforyourgracethatisneweverymorning.

Eyebrows

Eyebrows. Who writes blogs on eyebrows?  I don't know, but tonight I will. Eyebrows. What if we didn't have eyebrows? People would look weird without them. Eyebrows. What are they? and Why do we have them? Basically, it's hair growing out of our foreheads. Isn't it weird to think that God put so much thought into us that he even thought of little details like eyebrows!? Ever really looked at eyebrows? Sometimes they are dark and bushy and sometimes light and thin. Women tend to shape their eyebrows while men tend to keep their natural shape. The other day I got my eyebrows waxed. It came in my haircut package otherwise usually I would pluck them. This may be a bad connection so help me I am sorry, but I'm gonna try. 

Our lives are like eyebrows. Each so different, coming from unique roots. In our lives we are each shaped a different way, none shaped the exact same. A thin shaped eyebrow usually shaped differently than a bushy one. It doesn't know what it's like to get waxed. It hurts sometimes, but you know it's for the best. No eyebrow knows what it's like to be another. So one eyebrow should not be frustrated when another eyebrow doesn't understand how it feels on top of another person's forehead. We are all different, all shaped in different ways. Sometimes we get plucked, waxed, filled in, moisturized.. etc. Whatever. Anyways, what I am trying to say is that we are all coming from different backgrounds. We all look in the mirror and see something different above our eyes. Those would be eyebrows (if you didn't know already). Enjoy your eyebrows and don't let anyone look down on you because of your eyebrows. Your eyebrows are awesome. 

Embrace your eyebrows. Live your life with your own eyebrows and not anyone elses. Cherish who you are in your own eyebrows. 

Eyebrows. 

Life.

Embrace it. 

Diapers

Today at Calvin I saw a little baby in the arms of her daddy. So cute. I realized I never really see very many little kids anymore. In High School I taught Sunday School at my church and would see my kids each week,  I would see little kids getting on the bus each day at school, and mommys walking their babies in strollers through our neighborhood. I miss that. I miss the loving, innocent interaction with little kids. They are so precious and you can learn so much from them. What a gift to see the world through the eyes of a child. I am excited to someday be a mommy and see how my kids react to new things. There is something about seeing kid's reaction to something they have never discovered before. Little reactions, from bellybuttons to airplanes. They see the world how it is they live no lies. They don't put up facades. They just wanna play and learn and discover. The experience the world with eyes full of wonder. They enjoy the splendor of God's creation with big imaginations. I need to be more like that.