Anger

It is so bitter. It bites as it goes down. It stings, slices, and cuts. I am angry. Why am I angry? My family. I don't get along with them. It hurts cause I long to be close to them, but there comes a point where I know I can't get any closer to them. We are just too different. I try to respect and honor my parents, but sometimes I feel so oppressed that I am screaming rebellion from the inside out. I want to be close to my older brother, but I don't feel loved by him. He doesn't give me what I need to feel loved: affirmation and gifts. I just want to feel wanted. UGh some people just know exactly what to say to tick me off. I am trying to develop my self-control and be more mature in certain situations, but sometimes it is extremely hard. 

When my relationships aren't right in my life, my life starts to suck. And the first relationship is God. I come to realize again and again that my life sucks without God, but yet I can't seem to surrender to him. I want to be in control. I think I don't need God. Sometimes I like making myself miserable. I like pain and agony. I don't know why. Maybe cause the devil is telling me that I am getting what I am deserving. 

Lately, I have been so confused. I hear what my parents taught me what I have always thought to be true. I know what I have learned at my Christian highschool and I have been learning more at Calvin, but there are some things that just don't match up. I am confused because there are Christian people that I respect that have completely opposite views. I am starting to realize that I am no longer agreeing everything my parents have taught me, but I am not abandoning those ideas. I am trying to establish my own beliefs instead of just believing everything that my parents have believed. 

I think this confusion causes conflict which leads to anger. This is what I am going through. These are the emotions that I am feeling. This is the life I am living. I am writing because it helps me figure things out when I write. When I write I usually start out confused and questioning and end up with a conclusion to all my thoughts, even though the conclusion may not be full of answers. 

I conclude that I angry, but I need to seek God's guidance. By myself, I am the most miserable person, but I don't have to be. I can be something greater. I have potential. It is not worth wallowing in my dirt. It's time that I get up on my feet and try to change. Stop being ignorant and hard-headed stubborn. I need the peace of God. I conclude, that I can't control my life even though I want to, but I have to trust God and give EVERYTHING. Also, the devil cannot have me. I am the Lord's. I need to stop turning from God and start running towards him. 

I conclude there are huger things in the world that I could be sulking over instead of myself. What the heck? Why am I getting so angry? I am blessed. I am being selfish. I am being a bad friend by thinking about myself more than my friends, especially those friends that are hurting and dealing with crap. One of my friends mom's just got diagnosed with brain cancer. Why am I so frickin selfish!?! 

Maybe the person that is being most annoying is myself. 

Godthankyouforyourgracethatisneweverymorning.